Why I Love Conference Protocol and What To Consider When Creating Your Own

Conferences are a little bit like magic. They’re this tiny pocket of time that feels divorced from our reality, a little bubble of kinetic energy where we spend our days having conversations we can’t have anywhere else, and our nights feeling profoundly close to people we’re lucky to see twice a year. Whether I’m lounging in a lush hotel bed, delightfully alone between sessions, or huddled in a too-small tent with a close friend avoiding the moat of rain water closing in, conference weekends promise to be unlike any other.

I met my partner at an event, and what I expected to be another one of those ephemeral bubbles of a relationship, a comet, turned into one of the most important relationships in my life. Conferences will always be a part of that connection in my mind, and although they are often opportunities for me to see him, our travel calendar doesn’t always line up, and it’s especially noticeable when I don’t feel connected to him in a place full of our friends that constantly reminds me of him.

Luckily, distance is not new to us, and we’ve learned to utilize kink to bridge that gap. Having a set of protocol specific to an event serves as a way to keep him always on my mind and make him a part of my experience, even in a small way. Sometimes, like at Summer Camp, my protocol is the guiding force to push me out of my shell, and then I end the weekend with two different foursomes. Other times it fades into the background of an amazing event, like at Playground, when I was so busy I didn’t know what to do with myself, but had these assignments to hang on to and keep me grounded.

Regardless, the way it works is simple – my partner gives me a series of tasks to complete and rules to follow going into the weekend. They might be rules focused on my health, for example making sure I get a certain amount of food a day, or goals focused on expanding my experience, such as requiring me to meet a certain number of people. Regardless, my partner is extremely invested in my enjoyment of the conferences I attend and works to use kink in any way he can to facilitate that.

Consider What Your Partner Needs From The Event

Playground snuck up on me. My usual excited countdown was lost to a cloud of depression and I wasn’t even sure if I’d be in an okay headspace to be in a heightened dynamic like this. After a lot of negotiation and discussion, my partner and I were comfortable with the protocol we planned for the weekend. There was a lot on the list, but by far my favorite was an idea suggested to us on Twitter – I would be collecting compliments all weekend long, written in Sharpie, all over my body. To be coming out of a place of such self loathing, a lot of which was rooted in feeling fundamentally undesirable, and to be literally covered in all of the things people like about me, was a pretty amazing thing. Plus it’s hella hot to offer my body up to strangers and this is a super low risk way of doing that.1

Don’t just talk to your partner about what would be fun, but pick apart why that would be fun. Why are they attending this event in the first place? Why are they into power exchange? What physical/relational/emotional experiences are they looking to have?

Consider What Fears You Want To Conquer

The whole idea of these weekend scenes was borne out of my partner’s desires to help me have a good time at a conference, whether he was there or not, and in practice that has mostly looks like him giving me the extra shove I need to do the things I want to do anyway. I love talking to and meeting new people at events, but in the past I would rarely approach them because I simply didn’t have anything to say. Now, I can walk up to a crowd of strangers and say “So, my Sir ordered me to meet 35 new people today…”2 and instantly we’re on the same team.

People want to help, it’s in their nature, and I’ve just given them a new game to play. The rules are simple, be my friend and find me more, and suddenly I’ve built a self propelled Katamari of friendship. It’s not long before half the conference knows about me and my task. In the past I’ve had strangers approach me and say “Are you Bex? Still need to meet people?” and I’ll regularly have people call out “What number are you on???” as I walk past in the hall. I want attention that feels organic, I want a foot in the door, and this task gives it to me.

My partner saw something I wanted to work towards, and developed a task that was both the motivation and the tool that I needed to get there. What are you working towards?

Consider What Makes You Feel Connected

(…and How Connected You Want to Feel)

Do you need regular check-ins or would you rather hear the whole story in a cuddle puddle when your lover gets home? Do you like to be able to visually see your partner’s submission (through collars, marks, photos, trophies, tangible completed projects, etc.) or is hearing them tell you about it enough? Do you want to feel your dynamic every second of the day, or only when you have a moment to rest? Do you need to see their face? Hear their words? Carry a note from them in your pocket?

Think back to the moments you’ve felt closest to your partner, what parts of those can you replicate while you’re at the conference. Typically I talk to my partner on Skype before and after the con, and we’ll check in via text while I’m there. This time around I was feeling particularly fragile going into the con, and I wasn’t sure how the weekend was going to go, so I thought about the last time I felt this way at a conference. At the time, all I wanted was to see my partner’s face and hear his voice, I was missing him really intensely and was really overwhelmed by the con and just wanted something familiar, so this time around, we recognized my headspace going in, and planed an early morning Skype date on Saturday.

Consider Not Only Time, But Also Energy

Conference weekends are, without fail, the some of the busiest and most tightly scheduled weekends of my life, and the easiest mistake I can make is signing up for too much. Remember each piece of protocol you implement will take time, but more than that, it will also take energy, which is often in short supply at a conference. Is your  partner an introvert or an extrovert? What do they find draining, and what do they find revitalizing? How much time will they realistically have to put in to complete this task? Don’t forget to think about the time required to set this up. Does it include someone else? Do you have someone in mind or are they going to have to cruise for someone new?

Hilariously, despite being scheduled to present four separate times at Playground this weekend, I also went into it with the longest and most complicated list of tasks I’ve ever had. I was excited to Do All The Things but it became apparent very fast that there just wasn’t enough time, at least not if I planned on sleeping.3

Consider What Happens When You Fail

Luckily, this was also the first conference where we negotiated what happens when I fail to complete a task on my list. Protocol is defined as “ a code prescribing strict adherence to correct etiquette and precedence” and in the past I have definitely conceptualized these tasks as something I had to do to please my Sir, with the fear of his disappointment hanging over my head, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to approach it that way this weekend.

This time around I made a point of articulating that I needed these tasks to be goals, not assignments. Like a scavenger hunt, I check as many things off the list as I can, and am rewarded by how impressed he is, instead of like a college course, where every assignment I miss counts against me. I wanted to track my successes, not my failures.

That said, kink is about the stick about as often as it’s about the carrot, and sometimes it can be fun to be a little afraid to fail. If you are going to incorporate punishment into this play, what is that going to look like? Is it going to be a genuine punishment, or is it an opportunity for funishment?4 Will someone have to write about what they’ve done wrong? Sacrifice some orgasms? Endure some pain? Outlining what to expect (even if you don’t give specifics) will remind your submissive that their failure doesn’t mean the end of the scene, it just means it’s going to go in a different direction.

 

Here are some protocol ideas to get you started! What kinds of ideas would you add?

1. Meet 15 new people, remember their name and one fact about them.
2. Mandated attendance at a session to develop a skill your dominant wants you to learn.
3. Ask permission before using the bathroom.
4. Take detailed notes on a session your dominant is curious about but can’t attend. Present it to them naked.
5. Approach a particular person who is intimidating.
6.  Sleep a minimum of 6 hours a night.
7. Spend 60 minutes per day at the gym/meditating/journaling/on self care.
8. Acquire a souvenir for your dominant that they would only be able to find in the place you traveled to.
9. Serve (in whatever way that looks like in your relationship) a mutual friend to show off your training.
10. Drink 64 ounces of water per day (especially fun when combined with #3).
11. Wear something specific – a collar, or your dominant’s favorite dress.
12. Attend a play party
13. Black someone’s boots.
14. Meet someone who has never been to the conference before.
15. Wear a butt plug, vibrator, or cock ring under your clothes.
16. If you are a switch, top someone.
17. Collect visible marks on specific areas of your body.
18. Try something new every day.
19. Fill a Bingo card of kinks/traits and see if you can meet a person for each.
20. Write up any sexy interactions as erotica to share with your dominant.
21. Volunteer to help the event run more smoothly.
22. Treat (a) mutual friend(s) to dinner on the dominant’s behalf.
23. Come home with 5 new book/media recommendations, to learn more about something you heard at the con.
24. Have a solo orgasm, dedicated to your dominant, every night. You may not use any sex toys, nor may you use your hands.
25. You may not use the letter K this weekend. In any of your communication, verbal or written.

Comment below or tweet at me @BexTalksSex with yours!

1. Some of my faves include:

   “Your voice makes me hot! – J”

   “Your smile makes me flutter -Liz ”

   “You look like you moan pretty” [↩]

2. Or if I’m in a vanilla space “So, my partner dared me I couldn’t meet 35 new people today…” [↩]
3. In years past I’ve skipped sleeping, but I’ve learned that it does not make for a happy or healthy Bex for the rest of the con. [↩]
4. These are the kind of activities that we like to pretend are a punishment, but everyone involved really enjoys it. Like a spanking for a masochist. [↩]