Bex Talks Sex Starting the Conversation
Nearly one year ago, on May 30th, 2017, I took my first shot of Testosterone, it was the beginning of my medical transition, though not the beginning of my complicated relationship with my gender. To celebrate my one year on HRT I’m going to be sharing a different post each week of May detailing the ways my identities, body, mental health, and sexuality have evolved over the past year, with the help of the testosterone and independent of it. I’m even hosting a giveaway, with your chance to win some of my favorite products!
I have been waiting all month to write this one, this blog is called Bex Talks Sex after all, and now I finally get to do it. In short, I got gayer. Way gayer, my fantasies are full of gay male tropes and I jerk off more than your average teenage boy, I’m basically a parody of myself. Let’s back it up for a minute first though, because it wasn’t just my fantasies or my desire that changed, my genitals physically morphed into something new and that’s the kind of thing that switches your sexuality up a bit.
Click here to see how my bits changed, NSFW obviously.
In the past my clit was so small that it was nearly imperceptible which meant that the only way to really stimulate it was through broad strokes and wide vibrators. Now that it’s grown, I can touch it in much more nuanced ways. Typically that looks like holding my hand over my vulva and pushing my cock between them, keeping them tight together and fucking the narrow space in between, though sometimes I do revert back to broad circles, this time enjoying the way my cock flicks against my fingers.
Sometimes I’ll hold a Tenga SVR against one side of my cock and my thumb on the other and jerk myself off against the vibe. Penetration is slightly harder as my body doesn’t self-lubricate the way it used to, but with some lube I’m taking some of the largest toys I’ve ever taken and craving depth in a way I never had before. I went from adoring the g-spot curve on the Maverick to aching for the a-spot bumping length of the Outlaw, and I was taking the entirety of the Uncut #1 in my ass every time I DPed myself.
I am lazy by nature and in the past when I jerked off it was on my back with a Magic Wand on my dick but recently that’s started to change. Now, more often than not, I’m on my stomach grinding against my Magic Wand, or kneeling, knees spread wide to sit on a thick toy. I want to fuck things I want to stroke my cock and I want to feel someone else tight around it, but most importantly – I want to move.
My fantasies changed too, I went from being slightly squicked by kinks I thought of as filthy, the ones that relish in the taboo of grossness, to absolutely adoring them. Dirty locker rooms, watersports, and sweaty armpits went from living mostly in my no list to being very much my thing. I used to believe humiliation was a hard limit of mine, I went from “beat me, sure, that’s hot, but tell me I’m bad and I’ll just cry” to wondering what it might be like to feel worthless.
I wanted to be gangbanged by muscly daddies in the back of a bar and made to beg by a haughty high femme in stilettos; and I want it all to be on camera. I imagined what it would feel like to fuck someone with my cock, what it would be like to be engulfed in warmth and wetness, what it would be like to fill them with my cum. When I do get off, I’m fantasizing about what it would be like to be the person fucking me, what it would be like to tip over the edge as someone tightens around you.
I also spent way too much money on porn.
Seriously though, they should really warn you about that. In the past I rarely watched porn, and typically only in groups, but now I have a membership to Crashpad, PinkLabel (for Bonus Hole Boys), and CockyBoys. All of which were excellent decisions by the way. Part of that was the testosterone, obviously, but part of it was also a process of finding porn that I actually thought was hot.
When I was identifying as a girl I only thought to look for porn staring women1 but as I started exploring my gender, I started exploring more porn with folks who looked like me. I found trans porn, then I found gay porn staring trans men, then found a wider range of gay porn, and suddenly I was enjoying watching porn a whole lot more.
And with all that porn, comes a lot of jerking off. I am a boy going through puberty after all, what do you expect?
- Obviously women can watch any kind of porn they want, but it just never occurred to me to look for anything else. [↩]