Bex Talks Sex Starting the Conversation
There are a million reasons to love sexting, not least of which being the fact that you can be sexy without changing out of your pajama pants. As a person who was in a long distance relationship for quite a while, a huge portion of the sex I was having was through text. I always loved the way it taught us about each other’s bodies and helped us brainstorm kinky things to do. Plus, then we were able to bring that knowledge into the sex we were having when we were in the same place, and it made it way better than it would have been without it. Despite it’s perks, a lot of people are, understandably, intimidated by the idea of laying out their dirty thoughts for everyone to see, so I wanted to put together something going over the basics for you all.
Etiquette
People like to think of sexting as if it’s this thing completely separate from in person sex, when really, a number of the same ideas apply: First, confirm that this is something they want to do. Find a sexy and sfw way to ask if they’re down, I can’t stop thinking about you, do you want to hear what I’ve got on my mind? or I just took a great picture for you, would now be a good time to share it? It’s hard to read your partner’s mood when your not in the same room, and while sometimes it might be fun to be surprised by an epic dick pic from someone you adore, there are certainly other times where that would not be welcome.
You also want to set realistic expectations, if you’re at work or another place where you might get distracted or pulled away, share that information with your partner. There’s nothing worse than sending a selfie that makes your ass look like it should be hung in a museum… and not getting a response. In the 35 minutes it took you to handle that issue with Todd from accounting, I’ve already assumed you hated it and am now sitting in a pile of blankets with some comforting Ben & Jerry’s, texting it to my best friend so she could appreciate it the way you didn’t.
Sexting is like improv, it can’t continue unless both people are invested. One of the core tenants of improv is simple: “Yes, and…”. The idea is that a “no” shuts a scene down, whereas a “yes, and…” allows you to build on it and keep things moving. For example:
Person 1: Here, would you like some cake?
Person 2: No, there’s no cake here.
When instead it could have gone:
Person 1: Here, would you like some cake?
Person 2: I’d love that! Can you believe Grandma is turning 80 today?
Not only did the person agree, but they built on it, which allowed the scene to move along and grow in a different direction. This gets complicated when we transfer it into a sexual context, no one should ever feel obligated to say yes, however if you want the sexting to continue, you might want to be engaged enough to not derail it entirely with non-responses and single word answers. Take what they say, and build on it.
Person 1: I wish you were here so I could taste you.
Person 2: That’s hot.
Could instead become:
Person 1: I wish you were here so I could taste you.
Person 2: Fuck yeah, imagine how I’d look arching my back and pushing my pussy into your face.
That said, sometimes you do have to say no, someone might suggest something that just doesn’t seem hot to you or that crosses a boundary. In that case, I want you to feel comfortable shutting things down if you want to. Other times, you might not be interested in what they suggested, but are still interested in making something fun happen, in this case I recommend redirecting and offering something else you’d rather do instead. So instead of:
Person 1: Do you want Daddy’s cock in your ass?
Person 2: Nah
Which doesn’t really give something for the other person to continue the conversation with, you might have better luck with:
Person 1: Do you want Daddy’s cock in your ass?
Person 2: I’d rather Daddy fill my cunt up with his cock, I love how he feels, pushed against my g-spot.
Sure you made it clear that you weren’t interested in what they offered, but you also suggested an alternative so that the other person can gracefully pick up the conversation there.
What Do I Say?!
Here are some prompts to get you started:
- Talk about what is currently happening, consider what you’re doing, seeing, and feeling.
- Talk about what has happened already.
- Talk about will happen in the future
- What do you think it would be like to…
- Last night I had a dream where…
- I watched some porn the other day and it made me want to…
- I can’t stop thinking about…
- I want to _____ your _____
- I love…
Making it Hot
One of the hardest parts of sexting is finding the right words to use. Not only is there the pressure to sound sexy, but there’s also the risk of using words that alienate your partner, or make them uncomfortable. That’s one of the reasons my Yes/No/Maybe list template includes a section to negotiate the kinds of language you enjoy, but you don’t have to sit down with your spreadsheets to get some hints on what language to use.
You can ask your partner about the language they prefer for their body, or ask their favorite filthy words, and you can pay attention to the language they use. If your partner tells you they want you to stroke their cock, you can probably assume that they like referring to their genitals as their cock. If you notice certain feelings and adjectives coming up in their sexting, maybe they talk about how aggressively you’d fuck them, or how indifferent they’d be to your begging, you can then mirror those types of language back at them in your own sexts.
Start simple, choose one of the prompts from above and hammer out what you want to say, then pepper in some adjectives and details to make your language more colorful. Build scenes and engage your senses. Consider how would you or they feel in the moment, both physically and emotionally. How would the sex you’re having look? How would it taste, smell, and sound? What might you be thinking while you play? Include details and don’t just tell the story you want to share but bring them into the moment.
- “Remember when I sucked your cock last night?”
- “I loved sucking your cock last night, all I can think about was the way you taste and how you felt in my mouth.”
- “I can’t wait to spank you”
- “I can’t wait to pull you over my knee and beat your ass. I want to feel it get hot and red under my hand. I want to see you squirm.”
- “Last night I had a dream where we fucked”
- “Last night I dreamed about you fucking me, your hand tight around my throat while your straddled me and rode my cock”
- “I love fingering you”
- “I love having my fingers inside of you, feeling you tighten around me as you come.”
- “I want to go down on you”
- “I’ve always wondered what you taste like, I can’t wait to have my mouth on you.”
Looking for more ideas, or not even sure what words you find hot? Erotica is a fantastic resource to explore the language that turns you on (and the language that most certainly does not), as well as audio erotica and porn with a lot of dirty talk. Nina Hartley tends to be particularly communicative. Make a note of what words and phrases pique your interests and remember to integrate it into future scenes.
Pictures and Video
Some people feel content with keeping their digital dalliances limited to text, while others choose to include photos or video. No one type of sexting is superior to another and you should never feel obligated to do more than you are comfortable with, even digitally, but if you’re looking to include some seductive selfies there are some things you’re going to want to consider.
Not every picture you send needs to be explicit, there are plenty of ways to be sexy and safe for work at the same time, and sometimes I just like to see your face. Regardless of what you want in your picture, there are some basics you’re going to want to pay attention to. First of all, is your space clean and free of clutter, at least the areas that will be in the frame? Will you be well lit? Natural lighting is great whenever possible and try to keep your light sources to the front or side of you, being backlit is never a good look. When I’m feeling serious about my nudes I pull out the simple lighting kit I bought for like $60.
Since we’re talking tech, nude taking is one of the only times I will encourage you to buy a selfie stick, but they do come in handy for getting creative angles and including more of your body in the shot. I also love my remote shutter and mini tripod that allow me to take all kinds of photos from any angle I like.
If you’re looking for inspiration look to the models you admire, see how they pose and what props they like to include. I’m not endorsing ripping anyone off entirely, but you can gain a lot of insight about what looks good for you body by looking at other people with similar body types. Consider angles and poses you may not use normally, when I’m taking nudes, I love to take way more than I plan on using and then cull them down to my favorites.
Sexting is all about creativity, play with the pictures you take and the language you use. Try our new kinks and get excited for the next time you play. Most importantly, sexting is about having fun, so feel free to take thing things that work for you and ditch the things that don’t. Play, experiment, and get sexy, friends!