Six Things To Remember When You’re Negotiating

Negotiation is tricky, I can’t count the number of times I’ve been in the middle of a scene and had a question come to mind that I didn’t have the answer to. What should I call you? Are you going to hit me where I really want? Can I kiss you? 

There’s always going to be something you forgot to ask, but I’ve found the easiest way to mitigate that is to have a formula. A series of reminders that I can follow no matter how distracted I am. Since the walk to the dungeon is hardly the time to pull out a Yes/No/Maybe list I came up with was SIMMER, wherein each letter stands for an area that I need to negotiate around.

This guide is not designed to be prescriptive or exhaustive, feel free to take what works for you, add your own flavor, and disregard the stuff that doesn’t work for you. This guide is also not designed to be directed exclusively by the dominant towards the submissive, instead it should be a collaborative exercise. Many people forget that the dominant has boundaries, limits, and motivations that impact the scene, and it’s important to take those into consideration in the same way you would for a submissive.

S – Sex

Not everyone’s sex involves kink, and not everyone’s kink involves sex. It’s important to check in with your partner to see if sex is on the table for your play session, and if it is, what will that sex look like. This is also a great time to talk about safer sex practices and STI status, which can be nerve-wracking for a lot of people. If you’re unsure how to bring it up, I often start by disclosing my own status – “So, I was last tested in May for HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HSV 1 & 2. All of the tests came back negative, and I typically use barriers for penetration but not oral. You?”

You’ll notice I did a few things there. First of all, by disclosing first I role modeled the information I wanted from my partner and created space for them not to share their own status. I listed the tests I had done because “getting tested” can mean different things at different clinics and typically doesn’t include HSV. I also didn’t call myself “clean” because people with STIs aren’t dirty. Finally I included my safer sex practices and prompted them to share their own information.

Questions You Might Ask: Do you want there to be a sexual component to our play tonight? | What do you imagine that sex looking like? | How do you feel about my touching your genitals? Over clothes? Under clothes? | Do you want there to be a sexual energy to this scene? | Can I kiss you? | Is penetration on the table? Which holes? | What do you feel comfortable being penetrated by? | Are there any parts of your body I shouldn’t touch? | Are there any parts of your body you love having touched? | Is orgasm important to you tonight? | If orgasm is a priority, what is the most reliable way to get you there? | Do you enjoy sexual play at the same time as your kink, or should it happen separately? | How do you feel about bodily fluids (blood, spit, cum, etc.)?

I – Intensity

Kink can be about overcoming a challenge but it doesn’t always have to be, sometimes it’s about relaxing after a long day at work or getting a nudge into the right head space to get through something stressful. Other times, it’s about pushing your limits beyond what you ever thought possible and trying something really scary. Calibrating intensity levels with your partner or partners can help clarify for each of you where you want this scene to take you, without it, you run the risk of one player pushing the other well beyond where they were hoping to go.

The trick with intensity is that it’s not exactly quantifiable. Most of these questions are designed to be discussed before a scene, but intensity requires regular check ins during the scene to make sure you’re on the same page. The red/yellow/green safe word system works well for this, as yellow can be used to indicate when you’re approaching your limits. I’m also a fan of using a 1-10 scale, as it allows you to set your goal number ahead of time and quickly check in by asking which number you’re at.

Questions You Might Ask: On a scale of 1-10, how hard do you want to be hit today? | How far do you want to be pushed today? | Will today test your limits? | How are you feeling about today’s scene? | What are your hard limits? | What are your soft limits? | Which limits do you want tested today? | How much do you want to struggle today? 

M- Meta-Communication

This is one of my favorite categories of questions, but also one of the most overlooked. For all of the communication you have before a scene, it’s still important to hammer out exactly how you’re going to communicate during your scene, especially when you’re playing with someone new. People experience kink in very different ways, for example if my best friend cries during a scene, it’s business as usual, however if I spontaneously burst into tears that scene better come to a halt so we can assess what went wrong. Instead, when I’m in a scene I go nonverbal very quickly, so I need to negotiate in advance so my partners know to check in more often when I get all floaty.

Questions You Might Ask: Which safe words or safe signals will we use? | How can I check in with you in the middle of the scene? | What can I expect to see if you are enjoying yourself? | How will I know if you need me to check in with you again? | What is the best way to communicate with you if you are in top space or subspace? | Which language do you like used for your body? | What would you like me to call you? | Are there any words I should avoid? | How do you feel about dirty talk? 

M – Motivations

Kink is about a lot more than what you’re doing, it’s about why you’re doing it. Sure, someone might want a spanking scene, but are they looking to endure and conquer something? Are they trying to be a good boy for a dominant? Are they looking to be punished? These are all very different scenes, and it’s important to discuss what you’re looking for ahead of time. Delving into the why also makes for more interesting scenes, your partner might have more ideas for ways to evoke certain feelings that had never occurred to you before.

Questions You Might Ask: How do you want to feel during this scene? | Why do you want to do x? | What is it about x that turns you on? | What feelings do you want to avoid during this scene? | What are you looking to get out of today’s scene? | How do you want to feel at the end of today’s scene? | What do you crave today? | Why is feeling x important to you? | What do you love about x? | How do you hope your partner will feel during the scene? | Do you want this scene to leave marks?

E – End

So, you’ve negotiated, you’ve done your scene, but now what? Negotiating what happens at the end of your scene is just as important as negotiating what you’re going to do during it. First of all, you’ll want to know how the scene will end. Maybe it ends in orgasm,  or it ends with a safe word. Maybe you’ll just go until you both get tired, but how will you know when that happens? Knowing what everyone expects from a scene will help it come to a graceful close.

Then comes the aftercare. When you’re both coming down from a scene in a dungeon is not the time to decide that you’re going to need Reese’s Pieces and a warm shower asap, so make sure to check in and prepare for your future selves.

Questions You Might Ask: How will we know when the scene is over? | What kind of aftercare do you find most helpful? | Is there anything you will need after the scene? | What is the best way to check in with you after a scene? | What happens when someone fails an assignment/task/predicament? Is that the end of the scene?

R – Risk Assessment

Sex is risky, kink is even more so. Your risk assessment will vary based on the type of play you’re engaging in, but it’s important for all types of play. Mistakes happen, boundary violations happen, we step on emotional landmines and our floggers don’t always land quite where we intended, sex is messy, kink is messy, but it’s important for us to minimize that risk, and negotiate what we will do when something goes wrong.

Part of the risk assessment is also making sure everyone is informed of the potential risks involved in the play you’re engaging in. If someone is new to a particular activity, the onus is on the more experienced player to not only talk through the risks, but to also give the less experienced player the resources they need to research the activity on their own. When the person introducing you to something new is your only resource for information on that thing it creates a dangerous power dynamic, and not the fun kind.

Questions You Might Ask: Do you have any injuries I need to know about? | Are there any triggers I need to know to avoid? | Are there any positions that are hard for you to hold? | What is your experience with x? | What do you know about x? | How will we quickly end the scene if we need to? | What is your current health condition? | Do you have asthma, diabetes, or any other condition that might impact your play? | Do you have any problems with circulation? | Is anyone intoxicated and/or have they taken any substances? | Do you have any known allergies?

So there it is, SIMMER, the six areas you want to make sure to touch on when you’re negotiating a scene. What are some of your favorite questions to ask before a scene?