Six Sexting Slip-Ups and What To Do Instead

I really love sexting. From exploring in internet chat rooms as a teenager to my current LDR, I think it’s probably safe to say that the majority of my sexual experiences have been digital.

In all of my digital dalliances, I’ve seen how sexting can go very right (shout out to my Sir who has the power to utter only a few words and get me hard whenever he wants) and I’ve seen it go horribly wrong (Hi, hello every Tinder bro ever). Today I wanted to talk about some of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen people make, and how to upgrade your technique to avoid them.

Skipping the Foreplay

Just because you’re not actively touching the other person doesn’t mean they don’t need a little while to get into a sexy place. You don’t know what’s going on in their day, they might be in an important meeting or at brunch with their mom, or they might just not be in the mood right now. A sexy surprise every once in a while can be really great, but it can also feel really intense if you’re in the wrong headspace. This is especially important if you’ve never sexted with this person before.

Instead, start with a more innocuous text- “I had a dream about you last night” or “I was just thinking about what I want to do with you at that party next weekend” and gauge your partner’s reaction. Do they ask for more details? Do they escalate the conversation themselves? Excellent! Go forth and sext! If not, then save your pervy prose for another time.

This is doubly true for nudes. This should go without saying, but never send nudes without permission from the person receiving them. If you don’t feel comfortable saying “hey, can I send you a picture of my junk?” (which is perfectly fine by the way) then you can offer in subtler ways. Texts like “I’m so hard for you right now” or “I wish you could see how good my tits look in this bra” open the door for the person to ask to see more!

Not Being Enthusiastic

If you are lucky enough to be receiving nudes that you are excited about, then you damn well better share that excitement with the person sending them. There is nothing more frustrating than a lackluster reception to a fantastic nude. A thumbs up emoji is not an appropriate response to my ass. Seriously. I have an exceptional ass.

Instead, consider telling them you’re favorite part of the picture, “Omg your ass is so good!” or “Woof, I love your cock!”. You could tell them what the picture made you want to do, “Ooof I just want to torture the fuck out of your nipples just there.” or “Whyyyyyyy am I not face first in your cunt right now???”.  You could tell them how the picture made you feel, “Welp, now I’m hard at work.” or “I literally felt myself get wetter just looking at that.” If you have your heart set on emojis, at least get creative with them: “??” “??” “???”.

Seriously, you will get exponentially more nudes if you learn to convey your excitement well. I’m a sucker for attention.

Ghosting

Dude. Please don’t just disappear mid sext, it’s the digital equivalent of getting up in the middle of sex, climbing out my window, and wandering off into the night never to be heard from again. I get it, the beauty of sexting is that you can do it anywhere, while you’re at work, at the gym, or just sitting at home on the couch watching Battlestar Galactica. Unfortunately that also means it’s easy to get interrupted. Your boss might wander over, or you leave the gym and need to drive home, or “Holy shit ?*#!% is a CYLON!” and you need to process. I understand, I’m here for you, but still, warn a bitch.

“Ooofff that sounds super hot. I’m at work rn so I might disappear for a minute, but I would love it if my phone was full of nudes when I get back.” It’s SO EASY to give a little bit of context, but it makes all the difference, especially if your partner is prone to anxiety.

This doesn’t just go for when you’re actively sexting either, if you’ve had a particularly intense scene you’ll want to stick around for a bit of digital aftercare. A bone and dash, especially with someone you don’t know very well, is a quick way to leave them feeling used and not all that excited to go down that path with you again.

Overlooking the Importance of Detail

“I want to suck your cock” is good. “I want to feel your cock pushing past my lips, while you grab my by the hair to hold me exactly where you want me” is better.

When you’re sexting with someone you’re building a scene together, and adding detail is the best way to create that image in your partner’s head. What is it about that scene that is especially hot to you? Do you want your partner fucking you from behind so they can grab your hips tight and pound deep into you? Do you want them on top of you so you can feel their weight on you? Maybe you want to ride them so you can hold them down with your hands on their chest and look them right in the eye when you tell them not to move, or so you can jerk off onto their chest, or because you want to feel them grinding into your clit.

The key to detail is to include enough to create the image in their mind, while leaving enough missing so they can build on it. Keep in mind, anything that you don’t say, your partner is going to fill in with the things they find hot. You want to strike the perfect balance with telling them just enough to get them going, but not so much that they can’t customize the fantasy and make it their own. Plus you need to leave space for them to build on your collaborative story together.

Using the Wrong Language

Nothing takes me out of a fantasy faster than someone using words that don’t turn me on. Anyone who’s read erotica has experienced this, the story is just getting good, things are heating up and then the main character pulls out his “tumescent meat rod” and you laugh so loud the other subway patrons start giving you dirty looks. The problem with this one, is that clearly the person who wrote about their tumescent meat rod was into that, language preferences are supremely personal.

The trick then, is to pay attention to the words the other person uses, and parrot those words back to them. This is especially important when people are referring to their body. While you can always ask what words they use, I typically just wait until they’ve used a word for it themselves, and this is doubly true for trans folks. Words like cock, dick, pussy, hole, cunt, tits, and more can be really charged, but they aren’t the only words you want to notice.

For example I love describing dominants as absentmindedly stroking their cock while they watch me, or putting their hand on my head while I suck their cock. The key part of this fantasy is that the movement is nearly unconscious, they’re turned on and they’re going to do something about it, but the book they’re reading or paperwork they’re doing is still more important and they’re going to focus on that. When I hear that word, “absentmindedly” repeated back to me from my partner it puts that image back into my head, and tells me that they’re paying attention.

Unfortunately you can’t just wait forever for someone else to use a word to know if it’s okay, someone has to make the first move. You can feel safe describing your own body, because no one can police what words you use for that,1 then you just have to take a risk on the rest and gauge someone’s reaction. The same way I recommend negotiating any new idea via sexting. Float the idea out there and if they take it and build on it, then you know it’s a go, but if they talk about something else entirely then maybe don’t bring it up again until they do.

Underestimating It’s Value

Sexting is fun, but it can be so much more than that. Sexting is a phenomenally useful communication tool and you should take advantage of that whenever you can. Remember when we talked about detail? That detail is more than just hot, it’s full of clues. “Then you grab my hips and fuck my ass slow and deep while you bite my neck.” “Your tongue circles my clit while your fingers curl inside me and I buck my hips against your mouth.” “You’d start hitting me slow and steady, watching my ass get pink, while I lean back into each blow. You’d tease me for being such a little pain slut before hitting me harder, smiling as the bruises bloom across my skin.”

Chances are, if someone is including these details, they’re actually telling you how they want you to fuck them- and you can do the same. Sexting is also a fun way to explore new fantasies that you’re not sure you enjoy. My Sir and I sext about things way more intense than we’ve done in person, and it helps us get comfortable with these hot and somewhat taboo fantasies before we tackle playing them out in person. Sexting does not equal consent, but it can be a low key way to test the waters on new ideas.

What are your favorite tips and tricks to bring your sexting game to the next level?

1. and if they try you probs don’t need to be sexting them [↩]